Saturday, November 25, 2006
Fiat Voluntas Tua
UPDATED: St. Joseph, Husband of Mary 2008
The following is the summary of my Christian life that my spiritual director asked me to pen. It has been edited for the purposes of this intorduction.+ J.M.J. +
Introduction
Praised be Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament of the Altar!
The playing fields of life have been littered with many crosses- some for the better, some for the worst. I do not know what lies ahead, I can only, as Pope John Paul II advises, “cast into the deep”.
Though I am convicted that the Good Shepherd has called me to be a priest after His own heart after a discernment period of no less than seven years, I really cannot say for sure that I will eventually be ordained as a priest- even though that is my inmost desire. All I can do at this moment is to put myself into the venerable hands of the seminary formators and my spiritual director, trusting that they will provide me with the necessary spiritual and academic inputs.
This introduction is written to provide an objective summary of my Christian journey up to time of this letter. Though it is in no way exhaustive, I hope that it provides a sufficient and accurate account of the major events in my life that have inspired me follow Christ more radically as a priest, His priest.
Family- Background and the Early Years
Unlike most Catholics, my sisters and I did not have the opportunity to be baptized as an infant. My mother, Chinese, was not Catholic while my Father, Filipino, was himself never baptized. However being half Filipino did have its benefits- even though that only meant that Catholicism was merely cultural. We said grace before meals, iconography was prominently displayed in the house, and we said devotions together during various times of the year.
My father was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Armed Forces, a practical man who nonetheless did put his trust and faith in God- especially in the most difficult times of his life. He was a man who loved the family dearly and put in much sacrifices, clearly out of love. My mother also put in much effort to ensure that the material comforts of the home were maintained as she had always believed in “providing the best for her children”.
This was not to last. It was not long after I enrolled into Primary School that they separated and divorced. My mother took custody of my sisters while I remained with my father. Unlike most broken families ours was different. Outings together and visitations were plentiful and relationships with relatives unaffected.
His guiding hand through thick and thin has allowed me to understand that He is always with us no matter what and that as long as we remain faithful to Him. In spite of all the attacks of the evil one, there is always something bright to look forward to for He is faithful and He is just.
Growing Up- Taught the Faith
Having grown up beside St. Joseph's Church, Bukit Timah, I fondly remember my paternal grandmother teaching me how to pray as a toddler by placing my hands on the magnificent statue of St. Joseph in the middle of the Church’s narthex. I also learnt how to say a simple grace before meals. During Lent, I remember my father taking us to walk the life-sized Stations of the Cross with candles. I can also vividly recall his screenings of the ‘The Passion’ on video-cassette on or around Good Friday.
Looking back, we practiced what I would now label as ‘non-Sacramental Catholicism’; we did everything except partake in the Sacraments. Of course, we have now come to an understanding that true Catholicism cannot be separated from the Sacraments.
My upbringing has resulted in me having a strong devotion to the dolorous passion of our Lord and Lady. I believe that the insurmountable graces that the Father has poured down onto me have been gained through the efficacious devotion to the dolorous passion of our Lord and Lady.
Growing Up- Fascination in Religion
In kindergarten, I fancied being a priest because I thought that the black cassocks I saw on Hollywood films were cool. The rituals of the Mass also fascinated me and always had me captivated; I found the elevation of the Sacred Host at the Altar extremely edifying.
After picking me up from kindergarten, my grandmother always ensured that I either kissed or rubbed by palms on the feet of St. Joseph in the narthex of the Church before going home. She would also captivate me with stories about miracles about St. Joseph, Our Lady of Fatima, and her personal experience at the Church of St. Alphonsus.
As a young boy, films like 'The Exorcist' made me see the awesome power of the Roman Catholic Priesthood; the authority and power given to priests by Jesus Christ- the High Priest- for the salvation and sanctification of souls. I found such films to be extremely inspiring- and frightful of course. Therefore, during my primary school years, I used to set up ‘mini Altars’ at home with computer printout prayers, discarded icons and my old bibles from the Philippines.
Perhaps, these, little, seemingly insignificant events have in one way or another made me inclined to the Church and religion.
Early Teens- Search for the Divine
When I was in Secondary One, 13, I wanted badly to be in full communion with the Church; the desire to receive the Holy Eucharist led me to begin my search to be received fully into the bosoms of Holy Mother Church. At that time, my uncle, who had married my aunt, a baptized Catholic, was journeying through the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA). I badly wanted to join him in the RCIA course at Blessed Sacrament Church. My dad however, decided against it. He stressed the importance of full commitment; he feared that my intentions were built on momentary zeal. I remember being so angry that when he finally did change his mind; I didn't want to attend the RCIA anymore out of defiance.
A year later, at 14, I consulted my the Church of St. Joseph to see if I could join the RCIA there. I was told that I was too young and I needed parental approval. I did not want to approach my father after the first incident; I let a year go by.
Then, having read the importance of the Sacrament of Baptism, and deep longing to receive it, I decided to attend an Anglican Parish, The Church of the True Light. I chose it because they (the Anglicans) were the closest ones to Rome and that they would dispense the Sacrament of Baptism without needing me to first obtain consent. After a period of instruction with Anglican Rev. Michael Teh, I was baptized on Christmas that very year by Vicar Rev. Wiston Choon and anointed by Rt. Rev. Bishop Moses Tay at the age of 15.
I do not know how to describe my time with the Anglican Church; I did feel guilty for approaching them solely on the basis of administering the Sacrament of Baptism. I had also tried to defend the Catholic Church whenever it was portrayed in bad light or erroneously.
A few months later at 16, I sought the advice of His Grace, Archbishop Nicholas Chia who referred me to Rev. Fr. Edmund Chong. I completed the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults within and was admitted as a candidate into the bosoms of Holy Mother Church at Easter.
My detour via Anglicanism made my journey to Rome a somewhat long and arduous one. I do not regret it now; it was a blessing in disguise. The path I took served to strengthen my conviction that the Roman Catholic Church is indeed the One, Holy, Universal and Apostolic Church established by Jesus Christ and that in the Catholic Church is “the fullness of salvation to be found” (H.H. Pope John Paul II).
Also, my short time in the Anglican Church enabled me to understand that the present disarray of Anglicanism is, in itself, clear evidence of the need for a defined focus of authority in the life of the Church on earth, and that such a magisterial is to be found in the person of Peter and his successors in the Holy See; The Pope.
Come Follow Me- Little Signs
During the last two years of my Secondary School education, I had felt more inclined to serve Him more and more; I wanted to reciprocate His love for me through the ordained ministry.
Before I knew it, I was surfing the web, looking for websites explain the priestly vocation and the theology behind it. Jesus’ command to "go out preaching to all nations and baptizing in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" resounded many times in my mind. It was during those two years that the Lord graciously used me to bring two non-Christians to Him.
It was not long before I began to attributing my ‘desires’ to be a priest to my own religious zeal. However, the vocation ‘bug’ did not seem to leave me. It was not long after I began discerning once more.
The Lord gave me a sign one warm weekday afternoon. I asked the Lord for His plans for my life; I was confused. Was I really to serve Him by becoming His priest? Had He truly called me? Was it simply my religious zeal? As I flipped the bible open for some inspiration, the verses from Timothy immediately caught my attention. It read, "I charge you under the power of Jesus Christ to be an evangelist. In the presence of God, you will..." These words spoke to me. It seemed to impact me like a giant asteroid from outer space. Could it have been a coincidence?
During a Sunday Mass in 2005, as I was thinking of my vocation, Rev. Fr. Edmund Chong, declared in his homily, "If God calls you to be a priest, be a priest. If God calls you to be a brother, be a brother. If God calls you to be a nun, be a nun... do not run away!" The Lord was speaking to me! All this while, the Holy Spirit had been nudging me towards the priesthood but I kept pushing it aside. Now, I had renewed confidence to further advance my vocation.
Now, this bit may sound funny and/or surreal. I kept meeting nuns as well as lay Catholics who kept asking me to be consider the priesthood; I didn't even know the majority of them well.
Come Follow Me- The Pivotal Point
This all took place during a pre-confirmation retreat with Gabrielite brother, Rev. Br. Emmanuel. Br. Emmanuel walked to each person saying a personal prayer for each individual in the manner which he felt the Holy Spirit prompting him. I was the second in sequence. When Br. Emmanuel came to me, he put his hand on my shoulder and said,
"It is not I who impose hands on you, it is Jesus. Likewise, it is not I who
speaks to you, but Jesus.” He added, “Grow deeper in understanding of the
Catholic faith and do not be afraid. You may have sins in your life that you may
be ashamed of. I tell you, do not be afraid. Trust. Jesus forgives you wholly.
He has a plan for your life. Jesus will use you to get more people for Him-
you'll be a fisher of men. You'll play a role in His plan of salvation. Amen."
At once I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in me; my eyes welled up with tears as the hymn Servant Song was sung. God had indeed spoken to me. Deo gratias!
The reason why I even touched and inspired during and after that short benediction was because, that very same evening, approximately an hour before the retreat, I went to the Adoration Chapel to ask the Lord to speak to me. I told Him to lay out His plans clearly for me and to reassure and strengthen me in a real and tangible manner. Yes, as unorthodox as it seems, I had literally asked God to prove to me that I was truly called to the priesthood.
The Lord was ever so quick to respond to my prayer.
Ministry- A Pencil in the Hand of a Writing God
Having served as Christ’s page at the Altar (under the spiritual direction of Rev. Fr. Rector Michael Teo) together with my fellow brother servers at St. Joseph’s Church in Victoria Street has thought me how to appreciate more deeply and devoutly the Sacred Liturgy. Who am I to approach the throne most holy? The Ministry of Altar Servers has taught me that every detail matters in bringing out the “sublime beauty” (Sacarmentum Caritatis, Pope Benedict XVI) of the Sacred Liturgy so that all present may enter into a more intimate relationship with the Eucharistic Lord. Thus, at ever Mass I serve, I endeavor to help others garner a greater disposition for prayer and contemplation through my every action.
Verbum Dei. The proclamation of Sacred Scripture through the Ministry of Lectors at has given me a deeper appreciation for the living word of God. At the Ambo, I have seen how powerfully the Word, if proclaimed properly, can pierce the hearts of individuals. It has also inspired me participate in a Bible Discussion group in the Church of the Holy Family, Katong.
The 2 R’s- Retreats and Recollections
Each time, I visit St. Francis Xavier Major Seminary, I feel a lasting sense of peace and belonging. The fraternal warmth and charity displayed by both the brothers and Formators have made my stays very pleasant. Time and time again as I visit the Seminary, I feel a sense of affirmation. I thank God the Father for giving us, the aspirants, the opportunity to discern His will together as one body; united in the Christ that cannot be divided.
Not My Will but Yours Be Done
Discerning the chrisms, I don't know if what appeals to me is due to my personal want(s) or desire(s), or if it is something that God wants. It has been hard for me to discern if this is what God wants or if it is something that I am so attracted to personally. I most definitely do not want to let my personal preferences get involved too much because I know that it's all about Jesus wants!
Sometimes when I think about these I begin to have mixed feelings and even confused as to which path I should take. But one thing is for sure, whenever I try to turn away thoughts of the priesthood, I lose a sense of happiness that I've knowing that someday I might be His priest; one after His own heart and a servant of His people.
This is the special joy that I receive when I think of my calling.
Perhaps I may be complicating things a little because at the end of the day, the answer is clear: That the priesthood is not for me or for my personal satisfaction and delight. Rather, it is for the service of the Church and souls: God calls men to be priests so that he will be able to make himself present ‘in the flesh’ in the Holy Eucharist for all who need Him. He makes men priests so that all who need their sins forgiven can go to them and be cleansed of their sins. He makes men priests so that the sick can be strengthened with the Sacraments, so that His word will be preached, so that people will receive hope and be renewed through their work and service, and He makes men priests so that His social justice may be proclaimed and carefully employed to benefit of the poor, the abandoned, and the marginalized.
The Diocesan Priesthood- Why?
“The Eucharist is the principal and central raison d’entre of the Sacrament of
the priesthood, which effectively came into being at the moment of the
institution of the Eucharist, and together with it” Dominicae Cenae, H.H. Pope
John Paul II.
The Celebration of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass is something that I hold dear to my heart. “What was is about the liturgy that was so enticing,” I would ask myself. Slowly but surely, I came to a realization that the Mass wasn’t about the bells, nor the smells, nor the vestments and the music. It was about going back to a time in history, about standing at the foot of the Cross with our Lady and St. John, about experiencing the Divine Romance- Christ Jesus, the Lover of souls who humbled Himself to become the innocent Lamb of God; slain so that we, who experience His mercies, will be washed clean by His Blood and deserve life eternal.
I find that the Diocesan spirituality cannot be realized more than in the celebration of the Holy Eucharist whose liturgy urges the community and more so, the celebrant, to be drawn and enter into deep mystical communion with the Lord. At the consecration when Christ’s actions and the priest’s actions are mysteriously merged into reality is totally awesome; it is the fulfillment of what St. Paul meant by “being united to the Lord” and thus becoming “one spirit with him” (1 Corinthians 6:17).
I want to be able to let others experience and feel Jesus intimately in the Eucharistic Sacrifice of the Mass. I also find that the charism of the Diocesan priesthood, modeled directly after the priesthood of Jesus Christ, is walking in the footsteps of the master; it is an opportunity to perpetuate what He once began more than 2000 years ago and manifest the love of God in a world gone mad.
“Society,” says St. Peter Julian Eymard, “is dying because it has lost its center of truth and charity. Everyone is isolated and turned inward, wanting to be self-sufficient. A complete breakdown is imminent. But Society will come alive again when everyone gathers around Emmanuel”. I recognize this and often believe that people need to return to the dimension of the sacred in order to be “come alive again”. There is no moment that is more sacred than that when Heaven meets earth in the Mass. There we receive the peace the world cannot give and gather the strength to combat the evil one and to spread the Good News of Jesus Christ.
Conclusion- A Final Word
Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Pray that I may acquire an increase of the dispositions of willingness and unconditional openness to fulfill His plan of salvation and sanctification of souls through the Divine Ministry of the Roman Catholic Priesthood. So God help me, Amen.
Labels: Personal, Priesthood, Vocation
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